Made in America: The Formalwear Hall of Shame

A large part of my research for this project involved pouring over formalwear web sites for illustrations of various components of black tie attire. While British sites were generally filled with elegant clothing and sage advice, I found that many of their North American counterparts preferred to offer godawful garments and erroneous information. Here are some examples that I just had to share with other black tie aficionados! (Names have been omitted to protect the ignorant.)

It's a little understated for me. Maybe something in a gold lamé . . .

What time does the magic show start?

Historically, the primary rule for white tie is to never, ever let the waistcoat extend beyond the bottom of the tailcoat. Apparently this designer missed that memo.

The same designer seems to have also missed the memos about the "white" in white tie not actually applying to the entire ensemble and the notch collars belonging only on a common business suit.

Formal wear or valet wear?

Some designers offer colored tuxedos to be worn as ironic references to seventies. This is not one of those designers.

Could this ad be any cheesier? And is it me or is this guy's vest tucked into his pants?

Look, a dinner jacket made out of molded plastic! Bet it would help keep him buoyant if he fell into that pool.

Classic
Contemporary
Individual

Special Tuxedos:
• Classic & Formal
• Daytime Weddings
• Informal & Business

Tuxedo categories from Canada's "#1 store for men's fashion". "Classic" includes notch lapel dinner jackets (introduced in the 1960s) and high-buttoning formal vests (introduced way back in the 1990s). Ironically, "Contemporary" includes double-breasted, peaked lapel and midnight blue tuxedos - the latter a trait so utterly classic it hasn't been seen since the 1950s.

Tuxedo categories on a Houston formalwear retailer's web site. Translation: "Formal" = tailcoat, "Daytime Weddings" = daytime formalwear, "Informal" = Quinceanera formalwear (for a Latino "sweet sixteen" party), and "Business" = business suit. Clearly the retailer considers the word "tuxedo" little more than a euphemism.

This line of messy matching ties and vests is named "Urban City". I guess the makers figured "rural city" just wasn't hip enough for these trendy accessories.

I don't where to start describing how wrong this is. The pairing of a four-in-hand tie with a cummerbund? The tucking of the tie into the cummerbund? Combining these garish accessories with a formal wing collar?

Want to know the worst part of this hideous cummerbund & tie set? The American makers refer to it as "UK Style".

More from the Urban City people. Click on the image for a closer look at why this "Camo Crossbones" design could not be less appropriate for a formal celebration.

The manufacturer of all these outfits seems to specialize in appealing to teenage boys who want to dress for a formal event yet still look like crap.

Evening wear's illegitimate offspring:
black & white tie.

Who needs to pay two hundred bucks for a pair of formal shoes when you can just glue a bow onto a pair of regular slip-ons?

From the same retailer that considers business suits "special tuxedos". I guess the black background is what qualifies these neon ties as "formal."

There is no shortage of tasteless vests available but this one is idiotic to boot. Is there a formal pick-up truck to go with that?

Only in America. Mostly likely worn by Bill O'Reilly fans. Or theme park staff.

“The bow tie should match the vest and cummerbund.”

This tacky outfit is exactly why sophisticated dressers insist that the bow tie should never match the vest or cummerbund.

Advice from an online retailer that apparently doesn't know many sophisticated dressers.

The "pimp cane": an essential formal accessory offered by an online retailer that offers "15 heads to choose from." Luckily for the rest of the world this American company offers international shipping.

Perhaps you would like a pair of patent leather running shoes to go with that pimp cane? They're also available in white if you prefer something a little less formal.
(I'm not making this stuff up.)

And the award for the greatest formalwear travesty goes to the writers of this gem of wisdom . . .

When you receive an invitation that calls for “Black Tie Only” or “White Tie Formal”, you’d best be ready to drape yourself in tuxedo tails. Knowing how to wear your tuxedo tails can help you avoid any embarrassment.

Granted, many mainstream retailers have a notorious tendency to refer to tailcoats and cutaways as "tuxedos". But this excerpt from about-tuxedos.com goes one step further and arbitrarily makes up not only a new name for the tailcoat but two new dress codes as well. Why is this such a travesty? Because the web site is a consumer education initiative by the American formalwear industry. Clearly they should be focusing less on other people's embarrassment and more on their own. (I won't even get into their attributing the white dinner jacket to Edward VII.)

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